5 Regrets of the Dying

Five Regrets of the Dying

By Bronnie Ware

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives. People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learned never to underestimate someone’s capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, such as denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though... every one of them. When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again.

Here are the most common five:

1) I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people have had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

2) I wish I didn’t work so hard. This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence. By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

3) I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result. We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

4) I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying. It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

5) I wish that I had let myself be happier. This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. When you are on your death-bed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

SEXUALITY and SPIRITUALITY part 4

SEXUALITY and SPIRITUALITY part 4

Unsurprisingly SEXUALITY and SPIRITUALITY part 3 motivated a number readers to respond to me.

“Great article, David. Lots of truth here.”

"Yes David! Rockin' article, WOW! I had no idea how like minded we are."

"As a therapist myself, I have found this definitely to be the case. This is NOT an excuse to be promiscuous however. It is a way of discovering the true self within and balancing the three main spheres of our being; mental/emotional, spiritual, and physical."

“I mean...sometimes....many times....people can find the spiritual way as a ...way out. You can do it of course, but in a very evoluted way and how is the percentage of those living the experience like that (evoluted I mean...in nowadays world)? The line which separates healthy" holy" sex from simple fucks is very thin.....and too difficult sometimes to be excused /dismissed as a spiritual way to grow. There should always be a part of decency and morality in it.”

I found an excellent definition of SACRED SEXUALITY, the path of Tantra, on the web:

An exploration of the Human condition
Leads to self discovery
Verifiable through observation and experience
Where integration of body, mind & spirit takes place
Healing on subtle levels can transpire through the cultivation of Prana or Chi
Becomes a path of bliss, affirmation & joy
Awaken/reawaken the sense of your completed, loving, sensual self and share that Divine self with another.

There should of course be decency and morality in it. Is it not more decent and moral to be open about relationships, than the norm of deceit and secrecy? Better to be wishing your partner to enjoy what he or she needs with love and acceptance. If only we can all live in the 5D ways of universal love and consciousness, and without 3D jealousies, anger, and hatred etc.

When that happens the world WILL BE a better place.

I was also asked to be “Agony Aunt”: Good morning and thank you for posting about having a relationship outside your core one.... I didn't know that I would be that other person. Neither one of was married and he met someone and made her his core person, but has kept me as a mistress... I'm just now after 8 months dealing with it and am very sad... He hasn't been honest with either one of us and I'm not sure what to do? She doesn't know anything and that's what is bothering me too? Is it ok for me to ask you what I should do?

This is different, and very 3D. The writer is spiritual and has the unrealistic expectations that the boy friend and new core partner will be also. I advised her to consider that she is being used, and she may prefer to let go of the “security” or comfort zone of the relationship, and to move on to be open to meet a new partner who is also on a spiritual path. Mixed spiritual level relationships can work, each accepting and supporting the other and the differences, or can be a disaster, due to the culturally different ideals.

All of the comments received are helpful and we should consider the theme of part 3 of the blog in the stated context of people coming together for the purpose of each growing spiritually from the experience. Intention is very relevant. If two people come together with the intention of only a sexual relationship, that is outside of the concept under discussion.

Many people like to fit into some model, which they understand and can follow. Marriage is such a model. The new model is not fully shaped. The model of a tribe or community will help some. Here groups of people will bond together to further some common interest(s). Others will relate to the concept of Polyamory, where the two people in a core couple will openly have one or two deep spiritual meaningful relationships of a long term nature running simultaneously with the core couple relationship. More about that model in a future blog.

Of course, the two person model is just fine too, and will remain the majority option to living alone, for some years to come.

Copyright David Millner
October 2010