THE BALANCE BETWEEN DOING WHAT YOU WANT AND YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS

THE BALANCE BETWEEN DOING WHAT YOU WANT
AND YOUR PARTNER’S FEELINGS


You were young, exploring sex, wanting to try something different, but you were afraid to make the suggestion to your partner because you feared a negative reaction. OR You are mature, and are still afraid to ask.

Even you are single, but you don’t take the dance classes you would love to do because you think dance partners will think you unattractive, overweight or incompetent.

“He / she won’t like it if I go away on my own for a yoga retreat, to be with strangers.”

“I have to be home at 1pm to make his salad”. Believe it or not this is a true situation. I know the person. She should teach him how to go to the fridge and prepare a salad!!!

“Tonight is the weekly event of my spiritual group, but my partner suggested that we go out for a pizza, so I had better go for the pizza and miss my “hobby” evening.”

You wanted to go out on Friday, but did not tell you partner, who has now arranged something else for you both.

You want to spend time with someone with similar interests, of the opposite sex.

How many of us live a lie, in one way or another, to make life function?

It is often said that marriage is a compromise, as is any relationship between two people.

The examples above all reflect a number of simple facts.

LOVE. You love your partner so much that you don’t want to upset him / her by saying what you really want. By you being sweetness and light, and not demanding, you think that he / she will love you more.

FEAR. You fear the reaction so that you don’t want to upset him / her by asking what you really want.

Your partner may be the “stuck in his ways” type who will never change.

I am not advocating that where a partnership works, and all is peace and calm, that you suddenly start to create frictions, which you have been carefully avoiding for years.

Your partner may LOVE you so much that he / she would want you to do or have what you want, but if you don’t ask, you are PRESUMING his /her opinion / reaction, and not finding it for real. He / she would actually be upset to think that you did not say and do what you really want.

“He / she will only love me if……………..” is conditional love.

Take time to decide what you really want to do, both for small matters and for important ones. Starting with the small ones, test the water with you partner. “I would really like to do this dear – it will only cost x, or I want to be out on Tuesday evenings for y.” “Does that affect your plans?

What kind of relationship do you have? Can you say, “ I am going to ….on Tuesday so I will be out”, or are the dynamics of the relationship such that you have to seek consent?

Many relationship issues reflect years of at least one partner not saying what he /she wants, just accepting passively what is, and building up frustrations and negative feelings which could have been solved by communicating years ago.

It is not too late to start communication about issues in your mind which remain unspoken, and which you want to bring into the open. You may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. Or perhaps it will identify that you are living a lie, and perhaps it is time to leave the comfort zone of that lie, and start to live your truth, even if it may mean some initial chaos. What is important to you?

Our spiritual growth and true purpose in life can be more important than the comfort zone lie of a relationship. Let me remind you of some characteristics of the 3rd dimensional mind:

Fear, Anger, Jealousy, Victimhood, Ego, materialism, conditional love, control and living from the brain.

We can aspire to, and live in 5th dimension characteristics:

Peace, Joy, Unconditional love, honesty, openness, allowing, community, sharing and living from the heart. We can be happy for our partner to do what he / she wants to do, when we can aspire to this way of thinking.

We have a right to do what we want where it is with good intention, and without hurting others. Many people are out of balance and either control, or are controlled.

Will you hurt another by saying what you think, or are you challenging the other to change his / her perspective for the better? Do not prejudge this important point. They need the opportunity to learn too.

With better communication, good intention and unconditional love and understanding we will grow as individuals and create a better world.

Copyright David Millner
November 2010